Things People Need to Stop Asking Me
September 1, 2009
I heard every single one of these questions tonight.
“Which is better, x or y?”
Real answer: I don’t fucking know, eat whatever the fuck you feel like eating. Ten to one you’re not going to order either anyway.
Answer I gave: They’re both good.
“No seriously, which is more popular tonight?
Real answer: Are you fucking kidding me?
Answer I gave: They’re about even.
(on the phone, taking an order) “So, how much is that going to be?”
Real answer: I just wrote this down, I’m not a calculator, and this isn’t Wendy’s. If it were, you wouldn’t be calling in anyway.
Answer I gave: Ahaha, I’m not sure, sorry, I have to do this by hand.
“Can I get (insert item we don’t carry)?”
Real answer: READ THE FUCKING MENU.
Answer I gave: Sorry, we don’t have that.
“How late do you take carryout orders?”
Real answer: Until we close, but that doesn’t mean you should order a bunch of steak dinners and milkshakes ten minutes before we close you dickless wonder.
Answer I gave: Until we close.
(when all the booths are clearly filled) “Do you have any booths?”
Real answer: You’re retarded.
Answer I gave: No, sorry, they’re all full.
(five minutes before close) “Are you guys closed?”
Real answer: Yes.
Answer I gave: No, come on in!
September 2, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I know exactly what you mean about the booths. People suddenly seem to become blind when they enter a restaurant. I’ve had people refuse perfectly good tables and wait over an hour for a booth, sending me devil eyes the entire time.
September 3, 2009 at 1:15 pm
It’s mindlessness (something I might write about someday) combined with a sense of entitlement. It’s not a good mix.
September 3, 2009 at 3:32 am
I hate it when people ask me that first question. I’m a very picky eater, so there are a lot of things on our menu I think are repulsive–for example, I hate onions, and people are forever asking me “how’s your onion soup?” I’m totally unhelpful, and always say something along the lines of “I hate onions, so I think it sucks.”
September 3, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I’m extremely picky too–if people ask me if something is good, I just say “Yes.”